The Seagull: What I Wouldn't Doo to Keep from Pooping My Pants
By Darren Paul Muljo
The Seagull: What I Wouldn’t Doo to Keep from Pooping My Pants is a laugh-out-loud, brutally honest...
A Laugh-Out-Loud Memoir About the Most Humiliating Moments We All Pretend Never Happened
The Seagull: What I Wouldn’t Doo to Keep from Pooping My Pants is the hilariously raw and weirdly heartwarming true story of one man’s lifelong struggle with dumping syndrome, sudden bowel emergencies, and the fine line between survival and social catastrophe.
Nicknamed “The Seagull” by his grandmother—because, like the bird, he eats and poops simultaneously—Darren recounts decades of digestive disasters with shocking honesty, twisted humor, and just enough tenderness to make you fall in love with him… even after he tells you about the seafood buffet incident.
From childhood explosions to college bed accidents, romantic mishaps to roadside evacuations, every story is brutally real—and followed by a “Moral of the Story” so you, dear reader, can laugh and learn.
You’ve been there. The clench. The sweat. The silent prayer to plumbing gods. But have you ever tried to hold it in while locked inside a stranger’s bathroom, hiding behind a trash can, or stranded miles from the nearest restroom—with seafood betrayal bubbling in your gut?
In this hilariously honest memoir, Darren Paul Muljo delivers a no-holds-barred survival guide to life’s most embarrassing (and explosively urgent) moments. From childhood disasters to adult debacles, The Seagull: What I Wouldn’t Doo To Keep From Pooping My Pants takes you on a wild, side-splitting journey through one man’s lifelong quest to avoid the ultimate humiliation: public poopageddon.
With laugh-out-loud storytelling, outrageous confessions, and surprisingly tender moments, this is not just a book about bowel blunders—it’s a celebration of love, resilience, and the power of laughing through the mess. Literally.
Whether you’re a bathroom ninja, a bidet enthusiast, or just someone who appreciates a perfectly timed fart joke, The Seagull: What I Wouldn’t Doo To Keep From Pooping My Pants will leave you laughing, cringing, and clenching all the way to the final flush.
If you’ve ever come close to disaster in a gas station bathroom…
If you’ve ever prayed for a porta-potty to appear out of nowhere…
Or if you’ve just needed to laugh about something awful and true…
This book is for you.
Because everybody poops.
But not everybody writes a memoir about it.